Advanced Parenting Skills

Has lockdown affected your relationship with your child?

Children, by their very nature, need to challenge as this helps them to learn about boundaries. However, this year has seen many of our normal support systems being stripped away and many parents have become the only boundary-setter for their child. In normal times, it can be a challenge just getting your child out of bed and into school in the morning but removing that routine can cause difficult knock on effects. For many parents, having to become your child’s teacher and sole boundary setter has caused feelings of bewilderment and confusion.

• Is life feeling out of balance?

• Are you falling out of love with your child?

Many parents find themselves caught into the pattern of constantly asking their children to do things. Feeling that everything they say is negative.

• Do you feel the fun has gone and would like to bring it back?

• Are you struggling? Desperate for some help and advice? Wanting to bring the balance back, but no idea where to start?

I specialize in listening and presenting parents with ideas and options that can help bring back the balance and create a more content home life.

I call this Advanced Parenting Skills.

Advanced parenting skills focuses on increasing self-awareness, improving communication, finding positives in a situation and finding a balance of parent and children’s needs. It offers parents an opportunity to investigate their children’s behaviour. Parents are encouraged to look at why they react in the way that they do and to explore possible alternatives. This can result in a calmer home life and improved quality of life for families.

Advanced Parenting Skills is a programme that offers parents access to real-time therapeutic support in their own homes via web-based teleconferencing. Parents take part in a face-to-face session which is guided by an APS Practitioner. They will be given the opportunity to explore the techniques and approaches from the book ‘Parenting a Violent Child’. Through these sessions, parents are supported in making lasting changes to their own and their child’s behaviour. Providing support over the Internet enables sessions to be easily accessible, flexible and individually tailored.

Who can benefit?
Parenting is hard and, at times, all parents need support. Therefore, any parent can benefit regardless of their child’s age. Depending on the level of support required, APS provides parents with an opportunity to explore their own parenting skills; this maybe a one-off session or a 12-session programme. The benefits of APS include: improving relationships within the family, increasing school attendance and building confidence and resilience within the family.

This project will give you the opportunity to:

Discover the art of communication
Experience less parental stress
Feel more competent and confident as a parent
Consider your own and your child’s needs
Support your child’s goals and dreams
Have a better understanding of the reasons behind your child’s behaviour
Communicate clear rules and expectations of your child
Learn to set and maintain appropriate boundaries in a loving manner
Use improved joint problem solving skills
Have a deeper understanding of your own and your child’s strengths and values
Have more fun together as a family

In July 2017 Islay discussed parenting issues on Premier Radio. Following the radio discussions, parents were invited to take part in an initial pilot of the APS programme.

The parents participated in 12 one-to-one sessions, conducted using Zoom. Each parent was given a copy of the book ‘Parenting a violent child’. The chapters were the basis of the sessions.

At the start of the programme the parents were asked to fill in a questionnaire and at the end the same questionnaire. This was used to see any changes that had occurred during the APS programme.

At the completion of the programme they each participated in a telephone evaluation.

Islay would like to share some of the feedback.

What was it like before you started working with HIJK?
Life was very hard, very frustrated with the children. I was shouting continually and my son has anger outbursts. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, I was experiencing chaotic feelings. I felt hopeless; there was a lack of self-awareness. Through the course I have been reminded that children respond well to structure and boundaries. I have also been reminded of the importance of sticking with it. I realize that I lack consistency. It takes a lot of energy to deal with issues

It was a bit challenging with the children. I learnt more about myself. It was an eye opener

I found life quite stressful, and I wasn’t as confident as I am now.

What is it like for you now?
Things have become much calmer. I am listening to my children – talking to them and understanding how they are feeling. Not shouting. My son’s outbursts have reduced dramatically. He is much calmer and hasn’t been physically violent for a while. Before Christmas his attitude was aggressive but he didn’t hit. If he gets angry it’s usually due to his Xbox being stopped. He calms down much quicker and when sent to his room, stays there for about 20 minutes and then comes out and apologies. I am dealing with things much more calmly. I feel my son is like me. When anxious it can turn to anger. Things can still be hard and challenging, but getting easier

Life is still a bit stressful, but calmer. I’m more in control, and the children are more contented.

Now I am not fantastic but it has given me hope. I will build on what I have learnt. I can now teach my children to put things in place for future generations. I have faced up to some things that were difficult. I have learnt to use humour more, it diffuses things and I am more relaxed.

What would you say has changed? How have you changed?
I am more aware of the issues and will walk away and think a bit before saying things. I will at times try to be in their shoes. We talk more about things as a couple, I am more assertive and feel stronger in myself to deal with situations

I need to be more light hearted – I have started to be. I recognise the importance of being self aware and listening more. Picking a time and a place – for example talking away from the house, maybe in the car. I am a lot calmer, I am trying to let things go and I am picking my battles more. I am letting the children take more responsibility. I have had the time to look at how I am parenting – I’ve come from telling my children what they have to do to realizing there are ways of talking to children that get a better response. We now have family meetings.

Is there any difference you have noticed in your children?
Yes, they listen to me more. They’ve changed and they have noticed a change in me

They seem to be getting on better and they listen to what I’m saying. They seem more content.

In what way has the HIJK intervention had an impact on your confidence?
I am stronger and more confident in myself. It helps having different approaches and knowing what to say. I found the de escalation techniques useful.

I think my confidence is growing and it will build – I have a lack of confidence in my communication especially with my eldest child. I think it will get better over time. The strategies have helped me greatly.

Considering all you did in your sessions, what was the most relevant/important thing?
Wording things differently has made a big difference to us.

Developing strategies to lessen stress – creating boundaries and routines. There was a lack of respect. I am learning to communicate respectfully, taking feelings into account. I get emotionally overwhelmed and I need to stay calm. One of the strategies was earning points for completing tasks and it is working. I wish I had done this a long time ago. I have been sharing the strategies with other people.

This is just a snapshot of some of the evaluation questionnaires.